Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Birth Control

I have discovered the perfect birth control, guaranteed to work with 99% accuracy or your money back. And it only takes a month to work for the rest of your life! What's this amazing medicine called? Joshua. It's been in circulation for 17 months now and only has one failure so far.

Joshua is guaranteed to provide the following services...


Open the refrigerator at least 50 times a day, or until you notice your milk souring before the expiration date


Attempt to carry a full gallon of milk to the living room at least 5 times a day


Bring you every box of cereal and crackers that you own


Add cat food to both the litter box and the dog treat box


Attempt to eat something edible out of the trash can


Slam the toilet lid and seat down 15 times a day while you cringe, waiting for the toilet to shatter in a million pieces


Fly through the bathroom door every time you use the toilet and slam it behind him upon entering, often with his fingers in the way


Flush the toilet at least 3 times every time you are sitting on it using it


Remove everything from the bathroom cabinets every time you are in the shower and gleefully run away with your blush brush when you tell him to put it back


Clean toothbrushes in the toilet


Remove every DVD you own from the shelf, open five of them to remove the discs, and only scratch two of them on a daily basis


Randomly choose 20 books to remove from the bookshelf, paging through half of them, ripping 2 of them, and writing in 3 of the library ones


Threaten to impale himself with one of the many sharpened pencils, pens, knitting needles, or scissors that he finds (these happen to be the same ones that you can never find)


Slam his fingers in the front door twice a week


Turn the living room and porch light off and on, over and over, for ten minutes straight on a nightly basis


Get stuck between the couch and the side table three times a day


Climb up on and fall off of the dining room table twice a day


Randomly walk over to you while you are lying on the floor with your older kids and axe kick you in the forehead


Climb on you and bounce on your stomach until you think it has ruptured


Use your chest and then shoulder to reach the top of the couch so he can look out the window five feet off the ground


Eat 25 times a day and drink 273 fluid ounces but refuse anything placed on bread


Nurse 27 times a day, usually using his teeth


Screech at a volume that only a high powered bullhorn can reach


Stick his fingers in his diaper and show you his dark brown fingers in disgust


So, anyone care to borrow him for a month?



Note: This list is only slightly exaggerated. Despite everything he redeems himself with each smile, giggle, and crawl across the dinner table to give you a kiss.


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3 Comments:

That lady with 6 daughters said...

oh goodness, that was hilarious and horrible all at once. He'll grow out of all those things, I promise. Who knows what's next?

... said...

Wow - I'm exhausted! And really feeling grateful right now our youngest is 9!!!
Maybe the baby will turn out to be one of those mellow, laid back kind of people to help balance that out.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to borrow him!

Miss you guys.

-Rachael